


I Gave Up a Crown for This?!; Or, How Princess Toshiko Whomped the Dragon (The Torchwood Sleeping Beauty Redux)

by faithharkness



Series: Reel Torchwood fics [2]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Also Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, F/M, Fairy jokes, Fractured Fairy Tale, M/M, Threesome - M/M/M, Violence, abuse of the word "epic", bastardization of mythical creatures' characteristics, slight Gwen and Andy bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 15:49:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1310389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithharkness/pseuds/faithharkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beautiful—Oi!—er, <i>handsome</i> Prince Owen was cursed shortly after his birth because the dark power of Malefunit wanted to ruin the future of the beautiful and brilliant Princess Toshiko (it’s a long story, go with it).  He had to go into hiding to save his life and who better than the fairies—Hey!—<i>fine</i>, The Handsome Fae, Jack, Ianto and John, to protect him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Gave Up a Crown for This?!; Or, How Princess Toshiko Whomped the Dragon (The Torchwood Sleeping Beauty Redux)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for reeltorchwood over on LJ.
> 
>  **Author’s Note:** This went through several permutations in my head before I settled on this one. But this combination of fairies would not be denied.  
>  **Author’s Note 2:** This is also known as _The Crack That Ate Faith’s Brain._ Also, I managed to get in one of my favorite lines from _Angel_ , which makes me inordinately happy.  
>  **Disclaimer:** The characters of Torchwood belong to the BBC, He Who Shall Not Be Named and, I’d argue, Steven Moffatt (at least for Jack). The characters of this particular version of Sleeping Beauty belong to the Walt Disney Company.

**I Gave Up a Crown for _This?_ Or, How Princess Toshiko Whomped the Dragon**  
“I thought arranged marriages weren’t _done_ any more,” Johnflora (John for short, because really) Hart grumbled as the nobles filed into the great hall.

“It’s not a betrothal ceremony, it’s a naming,” Iantofauna Jones (Ianto, naturally) replied.

“They introduced the girl as the baby’s betrothed!” 

“It’s a formality.”

“Boys, if this is going to come to blows, can it at least wait until we’re alone? Preferably in bed?” Jackwether (Jack, unless you’re in bed with him—he loves making you scream out the whole thing) Harkness asked.

“Tsk. Spoken like a typical _faerie_ ,” Sir Andy said from his place in front of them.

“We’re _Fae_ ,” John said angrily, flicking his wand.

Andy yelped quietly.

“Put it back,” Ianto said.

“But he _said_ ,” John started.

“Put. It. Back,” Ianto said through clenched teeth.

“Fine,” John sighed, flicking his wand again.

The three Fae chuckled as Andy tried to surreptitiously check beneath his robes to be sure he was once again whole.

“I can’t take you two _anywhere_ ,” Ianto complained.

“Taking us has never actually been a problem,” Jack smirked.

“I know you haven’t forgotten that episode with the chastity spell,” Ianto replied, quirking an eyebrow at Jack.

Jack tried to look properly chastened, but they all knew it was a poorly put-upon mask.

John snickered in Jack’s direction.

Ianto rolled his eyes. He really wished there didn’t need to be three of them at all official functions. It usually came down to him doing all the work anyway.

“Lords and Ladies, assembled Dignitaries, the High Queen Gwendolyn and the High King Rhys would like to ask the Honored Fae to make their Bequests,” the royal crier announced.

Ianto shot John a last Look as John stepped forward to make his Bequest. John moved to the edge of the ornate cot and looked down at the baby, who was busy staring at his hands. John briefly wondered if he should ask the parents if they wanted to wait until the baby wasn’t stoned; just for kicks.

He bit back a yelp as he felt a sharp stinging to his backside. _Curse Ianto and his flipping telepathy._

“Dear Prince Owen, I,” he paused to swallow his distaste, “Johnflora Hart of The Fae, bestow upon you the gift of knowledge. That you might learn quickly and use your knowledge to the betterment of your people.” He waved his wand over the cot in a complicated maneuver, a foggy blue light coming out of it and settling over the baby in a warm glow.

“Thank you,” High Queen Gwendolyn said, bowing her head to him.

He nodded back and moved to stand beside Jack.

Ianto stepped forward next. “I, Iantofauna Jones of The Fae, grant to thee, Prince Owen, the gift of healing. That you may soothe both body and mind.” He waved his wand over the baby, frowning when Owen made a grab for it, and smiled as silver sparkles fell down onto the baby.

“Thank you,” High King Rhys said to him.

Ianto nodded to him and took his place beside John.

Jack was about to saunter forward—Jack never stepped _anywhere_ —when a column of black smoke appeared whirling in the center of the hall.

The smoke coalesced into a fierce-looking woman clad in black and sporting a kicky set of red horns, who glared at High King Tom and High Queen Martha, the parents of Prince Owen’s betrothed, Princess Toshiko. Princess Toshiko glared at the dark woman, and only her mother’s hand on her robes kept her in place.

“Well, well, well. What have we here?” asked the dark sorceress, glaring at Princess Toshiko. “Have we come to meet our ickle husband-to-be?”

“What’s _she_ doing here?” Jack whispered to Ianto.

“It was so kind of you to ask me to attend,” the woman said to the assembled masses.

“They _invited_ her?” Jack fairly squeaked.

“What’s one more _magical_ creature?” Andy asked, turning to smirk at them.

Ianto grabbed John and Jack’s wand hands to prevent them from making a scene. There would be time for that later.

“Of…of course, Malefunit,” High King Rhys replied, silently cursing himself for not going over the guest list personally.

“I won’t stay long. Parties aren’t really my thing,” Malefunit replied.

“Right, but _crashing_ them is,” Jack said.

Malefunit glared at him at the same time Ianto kicked his leg.

“He said it,” John said, pointing at Andy. “And he also made disparaging remarks about magic folk.”

Malefunit narrowed her eyes and pointed her staff at Andy. “Mine,” she said and green light shot out of her wand, hitting Andy in the chest. He was immediately turned into a black pigeon. He flew over to perch on her shoulder, looking as disgruntled as a pigeon could.

“Anyway,” Malefunit continued, moving to Prince Owen’s cot, “I have a very special gift to Bestow. I have Seen that your bride will be a magnificent queen; unparalleled in history and legend.” She turned a sharp gaze toward Princess Toshiko. “But _only_ if she has you by her side.”

“Shit!” Ianto said, going for his wand.

With a flick of her wrist, Malefunit flung John, Jack and Ianto against the wall, pinning them there. At the same time, she erected an impenetrable bubble around herself and Prince Owen.

“It is sad, young prince. But because they would not foster Princess Toshiko with me to use her for my own ends, you must suffer.” Malefunit shrugged. “Ah, well, enough exposition.” She lifted her staff and began waving it over the cot. “Prince Owen, you will indeed grow to be an intelligent healer. But it will do you no good, as once the sun sets on your 17th birthday, you will prick your finger on the edge of a scalpel and DIE!” Malefunit laughed maniacally, then disappeared with her pigeon.

Once she was gone, the bubble around Prince Owen’s cot disappeared and John, Jack and Ianto dropped to the floor.

“Owen!” High Queen Gwendolyn screamed, rushing for the cot. She swept her child up in her arms and began screaming hysterically.

Ianto gave her a moment…then two…then sighed and waved his wand, causing the queen to scream silently. “Right. Now, I know this looks bleak, but Jack has yet to make his Bequest.”

High King Rhys smiled from his place at his wife’s side. Well, he was beside her at any rate. She was on her knees and pulling at her hair with her free hand.

 _And they say Fae are drama queens,_ Ianto thought. He turned to Jack. “It’s all on you. Do this right and your reward will be…epic,” he said, handing Jack’s wand back to him.

Jack pouted. “ _I_ wanted to make him a keen dancer.”

“Jack!”

“Fine.” He walked over to the High Queen and her son, careful to stay out of arm’s reach, as she looked like she was about to clutch at his leg.

“I, Jackwether Harkness of The Fae, cannot take back another’s curse. I could give you mad dancefloor skills, but cloudy-face over there says no. So I shall give you a loophole. You shall prick your finger on the edge of a scalpel as Malefunit said. But you shall not die; you shall fall into a deep sleep and you shall be saved from that slumber by—” he paused and looked at Ianto. He smiled before finishing. “By true love’s first kiss.”

Ianto rolled his eyes and John snickered as Jack waved his wand to finish the blessing.

“Thank you for that. But I’m afraid we’ll have to take more drastic measures. Er…when will that wear off?” High King Rhys asked, waving at his wife.

“The silencing spell will end in about an hour. You’re on your own for the hysteria,” Ianto said.

High King Rhys nodded and helped his wife to her feet. They quickly fled the great hall with High King Tom, High Queen Martha and Princess Toshiko close behind.

Ianto waited until The Fae were alone in the hall to face his consorts.

“What?” John asked, knowing that look.

“Did you have to do that to Sir Andy?”

“He was a wank and a bigot. He deserved it.”

“Doomed as Malefunit’s pigeon? No one deserves that,” Jack said.

“You’re going to hell,” Ianto said to John.

“We’re Fae; we don’t have a hell.”  
****

As the day edged into night, the royal smithy was ablaze as it melted down all the scalpels in the kingdom. Rumor had it High King Rhys had commissioned a sculpture of a large, winged, thundering lizard be sculpted out of the metal. 

Jack, Ianto and John sprawled in their large bed, silk sheets tangled around their nude bodies.

“It’s not enough,” Ianto said, staring at the ceiling.

Jack lifted his head from its place on Ianto’s chest. “Are you kidding? That was _epic_!”

“I agree,” John said, his voice muffled against Ianto’s thigh.

Ianto rolled his eyes. “No, I mean Jack’s Bequest and the smelting of all scalpels. It’s not enough to ensure the prince’s safety.”

“So? What else can be done?” Jack asked.

John growled and aimed a fully-hearted, but poorly aimed, punch at Jack’s arm. “You _had_ to ask him, didn’t you?”

Ianto disentangled himself from them and got out of the bed. He began pacing back and forth beside the bed. His consorts turned their weary heads to follow his progress, and found themselves in the early stages of being ready for another round.

Ianto stopped dead in the middle of the room after muttering to himself for several minutes.

“I am a genius,” he said, looking at Jack and John.

“Yes. We established that when you showed us that thing you do with your hips,” John said, and Jack whimpered in happy agreement.

“Finding all the scalpels is difficult. And we can’t be sure that someone won’t bring one into the kingdom over the next 16 and a half years. So we have to take care of the easy part of the equation.”

“Kill Malefunit?” Jack asked hopefully.

“We hide Prince Owen away.”

“I’m sorry, what?” John asked.

“We hide Prince Owen away,” Jack repeated slowly.

“Wanker,” John muttered.

“Boys!” Ianto scolded.

“Sorry,” they murmured in unison.

“We hide the prince away until after his 17th birthday. Then we bring him home, he marries Princess Toshiko and the future is saved,” Ianto said.

“Um, small, itty, bitty question,” Jack said, raising his hand.

“Yes?”

“ _Where_ are we going to hide him?”

“Well, we’ll find a conveniently abandoned, but still more than serviceable, cabin in the woods. We’ll set up house and raise the boy right.”

“But Ianto, I don’t _do_ domestic,” Jack whined.

John whapped him on the back of the head. “No, you idiot. _I_ don’t do domestic; _you_ don’t do labels.”

“Oh. Right. I’m not adverse to some sort of marking, though.”

“You two are hopeless,” Ianto groaned.  
****

“So, let me get this straight,” High King Rhys began. “You want me to entrust the care of my only son and heir to the three of you for the next 16 and a half years?”

“That is the short of it, yes,” Ianto huffed. He had spent an hour detailing the brilliance of his plan and the High King had managed to smash it down to a sentence. _Mortals._

“But I’ve had all the scalpels destroyed!”

“Can you be absolutely sure that not a single one will find its way into your court over the next decade and a half?”

“I am the _High King_!”

Ianto merely raised an eyebrow at him.

“Sire, Malefunit is supremely sneaky and there is nothing she wants more than the downfall of Princess Toshiko. Unfortunately, your son is the best way to do that,” Jack said, stepping in.

“If Toshiko is so bloody important, why didn’t Malefunit just curse or kill her?”

 _Because_ her _parents weren’t stupid enough to invite Malefunit to the naming, Ianto thought._

“Perhaps she did not realize the Princess’ potential until it was too late,” John said.

High King Rhys seemed to ponder this for a moment. “If I were to let you do this, how could I be sure my son was safe? Could you send me missives?”

Ianto shook his head. “Any sort of contact invites interception. We would have to be completely silent.”

“No news is good news,” John added.

Jack elbowed him.

High King Rhys sighed. “All right. I must admit, I see your wisdom, Ianto. You may take my son and raise him, returning him after the danger has passed.”

Ianto nodded reverently.

“Er, one last thing,” John said, ignoring the look Ianto shot him.

“I have just handed over custody of my only child. What _more_ could you want?” High King Rhys asked.

“For you to explain it to your wife.”  
****

Hours—and four silencing spells—later, Ianto, Jack and John crept out of the castle under cover of darkness with their young charge in tow. They had only just made it into the forest before Jack started snickering.

“ _What_?” Ianto hissed.

“Heh. We’re cradle robbing,” Jack replied.

“Amateurs. Bleeding _amateurs_ ,” John sighed.

“We don’t have to be professionals; we have magic,” Jack replied, sticking his tongue out at John.

Ianto stopped dead in front of them, then turned to face them.

“What?” Jack asked, wary.

Ianto held Prince Owen close to his chest with one arm and let the other drop to his side.

“Ianto?” John asked.

“No magic,” he said softly.

“What!?” Jack screeched, scaring a couple of owls.

Before Jack or John had time to think, Ianto muttered an incantation which brought both their wands into his hand.

“My wand!” Jack shouted.

“The Italian!” John echoed.

Ianto and Jack turned to look at John, confused and amused looks on their faces.

“What? Doesn’t everyone name their wand?”

 ** _Sixteen and a Half Years (give or take a half day) Later_**  
Harp stretched and yawned as he woke up. He opened his eyes to stare at the exposed-wood ceiling of his room and grinned. It was his birthday. He was 17 today, and his three uncles had promised him a birthday he’d never forget. He wasn’t quite sure where they’d find a nudie bar in the middle of the forest, but he was positive they’d find a way. Well, he had faith in Uncle John, at least.

“ _Please_?” Jack asked.

Ianto whapped his hand with a wooden spoon. “No. And be quiet, you’ll wake Harp.”

“Harp is awake,” Harp said from the bottom of the stairs.

“Well, it only took 16 and a half years, but you’ve finally learned to come down those stairs without sounding like a herd of elephants,” Ianto said, smiling.

“There is a time for stealth,” Harp said, plopping himself down at the kitchen table. “So, no pancakes for the birthday boy?”

“I thought you’d sleep longer after being out until three in the morning with John,” Ianto replied, raising an eyebrow at him.

Harp blushed slightly. But really, it wasn’t his fault Uncle John knew where the wood nymphs bathed, was it? Besides, his healing education was sorely lacking with no specimens of the female persuasion to examine.

“Ianto, for the love of all that’s holy, make me a hangover po—” John caught himself as he saw his nephew in the kitchen, “poultice,” he finished.

Harp gave him a quizzical look, then shrugged. He was used to his uncles, especially John, cutting themselves off and making weird comments. Uncle Jack assured him Uncle John had been kicked in the head by a horse for “getting fresh”. Harp was pretty sure he didn’t know what that meant; he was equally sure he _never_ wanted to find out.

Ianto smirked at John. “Sorry, all out of most of my herbs and plants. Harp, care to go traipsing around in the woods for a couple of hours?”

“You’re not trying to get rid of me so you can plan a party, are you?”

“No. I’m getting rid of you because I’m going to lecture John and I plan to use words I’m going to pretend you don’t know,” Ianto replied.

Harp smirked at Uncle John. “I’ll just grab my boots,” he said before running up the stairs.

“And your basket!” Jack called after him.

“It’s a sample bag!” Harp shouted back.

“ _Such_ a manly man,” John tsked.

Jack chuckled.

“Be back before sundown!” Ianto yelled as Harp clomped down the stairs then ran for the door.

Harp waved a hand over his shoulder to let Ianto know he’d been heard.

Ianto motioned Jack toward the door once Harp had left.

“Seventeen at last,” Jack said, sniffing back a tear.

“Never thought he’d make it,” Ianto said as Jack came back into the kitchen.

“Never thought _we’d_ make it; at least not without our magic,” John said.

“I remember _some_ of us nearly didn’t,” Ianto said.

“Hey, I only tried to kill Jack once!”

“Yeah, and I have to give you points for creativity,” Jack said.

“Thank you,” John said, preening.

Ianto rolled his eyes. “Right. We need to get things ready for tonight. John, you work on the clothes, I’ll cook and Jack can clean.”

“What? How come _I_ have to clean?”

“Because in 17 years, you’ve never done it once,” Ianto reminded him.

“Then what makes you think I’ll even know what to do?”

“I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“And what do I get if I do?”

“I’ll let you have some birthday cake.”

“Do I get to eat it off anything?”

“A _plate_.”

“You’ve gotten boring in your old age.”

Ianto swatted him on the arse with the wooden spoon.

“Now _that’s_ what I’m talking about,” Jack said, Grinning.  
****

Harp wandered through the forest, muttering to himself. He hoped his uncles were lying about the lack of a party. He was 17, for crying out loud! And he’d been stuck in a cabin in the woods his whole life! He needed a party! He needed action! He needed…

“I need to get _laid_ ,” he said aloud, startling a squirrel.

“If that was a proposition, I think you’re asking the wrong species. At least, I _hope_ you are,” a soft voice said behind him.

Harp turned quickly, dropping his sample bag and putting the hand with his knife out in front of him. He turned to see a woman—and she had to be a woman because those were spectacular breasts pushing against the fabric of her top—dressed all in black staring at him. Her large, dark eyes glinted with mischief.

“Have I interrupted a romantic moment?” she asked.

“ _If_ you must know, I was venting. It’s rude to interrupt another’s righteous vent.”

“Yes, lamenting your need for sex to a squirrel sounds _very_ righteous.”

“Says the woman with chipmunks on her shoulders.”

“What?” she said, turning her head to look. “Bugger.” She shrugged a few times, dislodging the chipmunks, which sat at her feet and chirruped happily at her. “I don’t know why that keeps happening, but it’s bloody annoying.”

“You must just be appealing to rodents.”

She tilted her head to look at him. “Hmmm…that would explain why you’re looking longingly at me.”

“Sorry. You’re just the first woman I’ve seen that wasn’t a magical creature that could hex my bollocks off with a look.”

“Who says I can’t?” she asked, sitting on a tree stump.

“Well, you’re dressed a little…non-magically,” he said, sitting on the grass near her.

She snorted. “Of course. I’m a ninja.”

Harp’s interest perked up. “Really? My uncle is often accusing one of my other uncles of being a ninja.”

“ _One_ of your uncles?”

“Oh, yes. He accuses the other one of being a pervert.”

“I…see.”

“So what’s it like to be a ninja?” he asked, leaning forward.

“Well, I’m only a _part-time_ ninja. My royal duties keep me busy most of the time.” She leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially, “I’m a princess.”

“No shit?”

“Language! I’m royalty, you know.”

“Right, sorry. So, you wouldn’t be in need of a royal healer, would you? Because I’m both very qualified and innately talented. _Gifted_ , you might say.”

“Really? If you’re so talented, why are you out here in the woods?”

“I ask myself that question daily. The answer my uncles give is that I must be one with nature for nature to reveal her magic to me. I think they must be wanted for something in a kingdom somewhere. Something to do with fresh horses, I think.”

She giggled, and Harp was charmed.

“They’re really not that bad. Look, it’s my birthday and we’re having a small do tonight. You should come,” he offered.

“You don’t even know who I am.”

“You’re Princess Ninja,” he said, standing. He bowed to her, just as Uncle Ianto had taught him. “And I am Healer Harper.”

“Harper?”

“Harp, for short. Although, I will admit that for the first three years of my life, I thought my name was ‘NononononoHarp’.”

She laughed out loud. “I thought mine was ‘Nanananagrabher’.”

Harp laughed with her.

“You know, my mother is a healer. I bet she’d love to meet you,” she said.

“But if you’re a princess, isn’t your mother a queen?”

“A High Queen,” she said, nodding. “But everyone should have a fallback career.”

He chuckled.

“I’ll make you a deal: I’ll come to your birthday do tonight, and then you come to lunch with me at the castle tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan. We’re in the completely serviceable cabin in the middle of the woods. I’m sure you’ll hear my uncles arguing as you approach.”

“I can’t wait,” she said. She stood up and kissed him on the cheek before disappearing into the woods.

 _Best. Birthday. Ever._  
****

“I can’t take it!” John shouted.

“Wow. _That’s_ never come out of your mouth before,” Jack replied.

John ignored him and went to Ianto. “Ianto, please. Please, let us use our wands. We are almost out of this godsforsaken situation _you_ forced us into! Just for half an hour! In half an hour, we can have everything done and give him a birthday he’ll never forget!” he said, dropping to his knees at the end.

Ianto looked at Jack over John’s head and raised an eyebrow. “What do you think, Jack?”

“I think you shouldn’t waste John on his knees.”

John growled at Jack without taking his eyes off Ianto. “Well?”

Ianto sighed. After 16 and a half years of this, he did think they could use a break. “All right. Close and lock the windows and doors and stop up any cracks. We can’t afford for the slightest puff of magical Fae dust to get out into the woods where any low-flying spy could see it.”

John leapt to his feet and pressed a hard, sloppy kiss to Ianto’s mouth before hurrying off to do as Ianto ordered.

“Can I have one of those, too?” Jack asked.

Ianto gave him a quick kiss, then swatted him on the arse. “You still have cleaning to do.”

“I’ll need my wand.”

“Me, too!” John called.

Ianto sighed and went into the pantry, taking the wands out of a box of rice cakes.

“You hid our wands in the _rice cakes_?” Jack asked.

“And in over 16 years, you never found them,” Ianto said, handing Jack his wand.

“Oh, my baby,” Jack said, kissing the wand.

“You really do have an unhealthy fixation on that thing,” John said, reaching out for his own wand.

Ianto handed it over with a smirk. “ _He_ didn’t name his.”

“That’s only because he used up his only good idea naming his cock.”

“To work, both of you!” Ianto scolded, laughing. He took his own wand in a firm hand and started over with Owen’s cake.

Jack tied the tiny French maid apron around his waist and began cleaning the living room. He wiggled his arse as he moved, shooting occasional looks at Ianto to be sure he was watching. He looked over at John to see how he was faring with the royal robes.

 _But…but…they’re_ blue! _Owen would look much better in green_ , he thought. He executed a little dance step and aimed his wand at the robes. “Green,” he whispered.

John yelped when the heavy brocade in his hands turned to a forest green. He glared at Jack, then waved his wand at the material. “Blue.”

Jack danced into the kitchen, pausing to kiss Ianto. He opened his eyes to look past Ianto at the robes. _Green_ , he thought, flicking his wand.

“I’m trying to cook, here,” Ianto said, shooing Jack out of his kitchen.

“Blue,” John said through gritted teeth, waving his wand.

“Green,” Jack sang, shooting a blast over his shoulder as he danced with a broom.

“Blue!”

“Green!”

“Blue!”

Ianto knew he should stop them, but he was hoping they’d exhaust themselves soon.

“Green!”

“Blue!”

The two Fae cast their spells at the same time, causing the robes to become a tie-dyed mess.

“You idiot! You’ve ruined it!” John shouted. “Blue!” he shouted, aiming at Jack.

Jack’s clothes turned blue. “Green!” he shouted in retaliation, turning John’s clothes green.

“You wanker!” he flicked his wand at Jack, who immediately lost his clothes and turned blue from hair tips to toenails.

“Jackass!” Jack mimicked the spell, turning John green.

“Children!” Ianto shouted. He flicked his wand, casting a silencing spell on them. “He’s coming!”

The two other Fae quickly charmed their clothes back on and each other to their natural colors. Ianto removed the silencing spell and hurriedly put the finishing touches on the cake.

None of them noticed the black pigeon pressing its eye against a hole in the shutter.  
****

“It’s a blasted teenager and three Fae! How hard can they be to find?” Malefunit screeched at her minions. “The orgies _alone_ should be tipping you off!”

Her minions, cute in a cuddly goblin kind of way, scratched their heads beneath their red caps and stared at her.

“Useless, all of you!” she shouted before whirling to return to her private chamber.

The minions went back to roasting marshmallows on the great central fire while drinking mead. Lots and lots of mead.

Malefunit turned her head and held her arm out as Andypigeon flew in. “Hello, my lovely. What do you have for me?”

He squawked in the high-pitched ratbird speak only she could understand.

“Puffs of colored gas in the forest? Are you sure it wasn’t a commune of some sort?”

He squawked again.

“Two naked Fae in bright colors? That _does_ sound like them. Go keep an eye out while I gather the troops.”

He chirped disparagingly.

“Yes, they are. But needs must.”  
****

Harp hurried home to his uncles. An observer _might_ have said he was skipping, but Harp would have no problem disavowing them of that opinion. Violently.

“Ianto! Jack! John!” he shouted as he opened the front door. The room was dark. “What the?”

“Surprise!” his uncles shouted, leaping up from behind the couch. “Happy Birthday!”

The room was filled with light and laughter.

“You made a cake!” Harp said. “That’s fantastic! I hope there’s enough for five. Ninja should be here in a little while. She just had to go get freshened up.”

His uncles exchanged looks.

“Er, who’s Ninja?” Jack asked.

“I met her in the woods. She’s going to introduce me to her mother, who’s a healer. I might get to work at a royal court! What?” he asked as he noticed Ianto sit down heavily on the couch.

“Harp, we—” Ianto began.

“Harp, we’ve warned you about strangers,” John cut in.

Harp snorted. “Look, it’s not like I needed to yell for an adult or turn away any apples. She was just…nice. Snarky as hell, but nice.”

“That’s all well and good, Harp. But you can’t go work at a royal court,” Ianto said.

“What? Why not? Am I not _good_ enough?” Harp said, becoming defensive.

“Of course you are,” Jack soothed. “But, Harp…”

“Oh, for the love! Show, don’t tell!” John said, waving his wand, causing a light to shine down on a set of very fine robes.

Harp gaped first at the wand, then the robes. “But…those are royal robes!”

“Yes,” Jack said, helping Harp to a chair. “You are Prince Owen, son of High King Rhys and High Queen Gwendolyn. We had to hide you away.”

“You _kidnapped_ me?”

“We did no such thing!” Ianto replied. “You were cursed and we hid you away to save your _life_.”

“We even gave up our wands for 16 years!” John said.

“No, you didn’t. I can _hear_ you three at night.”

“Not those wands, these!” Jack said, waving his own.

Owen smirked at him.

“Oh, you bastard,” Jack said.

“I have it on good authority that my parents are legally wed.”

John and Ianto laughed.

“Look, this is no problem. Ninja’s a princess, so she’ll understand. We just have to wait for her and then we can go,” Owen said.

“I’m sorry, Owen. We need to leave as soon as the sun sets. We have to return you to your parents and…your fiancée,” Ianto explained.

“Fiancée? We’ve been here my whole life! When did I have time to get betrothed?”

“Same day you were cursed,” Jack replied.

“You could say you got doubly cursed that day,” John said.

Ianto looked over his shoulder. “You’re cut off.”

“Yeah, _that’ll_ last,” Jack muttered.

“Right. My life is falling apart around me and you three are having a domestic. Fan-bloody-tastic,” Owen groaned.

“Prince Owen,” Ianto snapped. “You need to collect your things and get changed into your robes. We need to leave soon.”

“Yeah,” Owen said, and moped up the stairs as only a 17-year-old could.

“He’ll never forgive us for this,” Ianto said softly.

“Maybe if we got him a harem,” John offered.  
****

A mere half hour later, the sun had set and Prince Owen, under heavy cloak, was escorted back to his castle by three Fae.

At the exact moment the party breached the castle gates, Princess Toshiko—Ninja to select friends—was lifting her hand to knock at the door of a convenient cabin in the woods.

“Come in,” said a low, seductive voice.

Tosh pushed open the door and stepped inside, only to be assaulted by small, angry creatures. She managed to fight several off before being taken down, bound and gagged. A green light flashed on and she squinted, looking up at the source.

“Well sweet baby jeebus!” 

“Malefunit,” Toshiko said. Well, she tried to say it, but it came out rather garbled; you know, gag and all.

“I came here hoping to catch a prince and I get the princess I’ve wanted for almost two decades!” She threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, someone must be smiling down on me.” She turned to her minions. “Let’s go, take her back to the castle. Throw her in a cell while I go take care of our last little loose end.”

Toshiko struggled against her bonds as they took her away.  
****

Owen sat alone in his new room. His ‘uncles’ had gone off to see his parents and let them know he had been safely returned. Jack had muttered something about them taking their medicine, hoping to get a smile out of Owen.

But Owen wasn’t in the mood for placating the Fae. He was interested in getting the hell out of the castle and back to Princess Ninja. He cast a baleful eye at the bedclothes, wishing that he’d paid more attention to John when he’d tried to teach him knots.

“Harp,” a soft voice whispered.

“Ninja?” he asked, his head snapping up.

“Harp.”

The fireplace slid away from the way, revealing a secret passage behind it.

 _Very ninja_ , Owen thought. He grabbed a torch and stepped behind the fireplace and took the stairs, which went up.

“Hello?” he said once he got to the top of the stairs and found himself in a room. A room which was empty except for a high table and a figure in black. “Ninja?” he asked, stepping toward the figure.

“How sweet.”

Owen reached out and grabbed up something shiny and silver from the table. He winced as it sliced his palm. 

“Bugger,” he muttered just before collapsing to the ground.

Malefunit stared down at his prone form. “Huh. I feel…unfulfilled.” She turned lifted her head when she heard footsteps and shouts on the stairs.

“Seriously? Who leaves a secret passage unguarded in a royal—shit!” Jack said as he burst into the room, John and Ianto close behind.

“ _Damn_ it,” Ianto echoed.

“Yes! Your precious prince is dead. I, Malefunit—”

“Yeah, yeah, curse fulfilled gloating cakes,” John interrupted. “Do you mind? We’re busy.”

“Well,” Malefunit huffed. “Has anyone bothered to ask where Princess Toshiko is?” she asked before disappearing in a whirl of smoke.

“Bugger me,” John said.

“Owen _and_ Toshiko?” Jack said.

“First things first. Let’s get Owen down into his bed. Then we’ll break the news to the High King and High Queen. Then we’ve got to try to find his true love,” Ianto said, kneeling to lift Owen into his arms.

“You don’t think we should try…” Jack said, trailing off to make a kissy face.

“No! I changed his nappies!” Ianto said, horrified.

“I taught him the birds and the bees,” John countered.

“ _I_ taught him the birds and the bees,” Jack argued.

“Yes, and scarred him so badly he wouldn’t come out of his room for three days,” John replied.

“He didn’t come out of his room because even in the depths of the forest, you managed to find nudie magazines!” Ianto scolded. He turned and carried Owen down the stairs.

Jack glared at John. “You had a nudie magazine connection and didn’t hook me up?”  
****

“So what do we do now?” High King Rhys asked. He was cradling his silently sobbing wife. Silent because Ianto had thankfully cast the silencing spell. Again.

“We need to find his true love. And we may have caught a break. He met a girl in the forest today. He seemed rather taken with her,” Ianto said.

“How do we find her? You can have my whole army,” High King Rhys said.

“All we know is she was in the woods near our house today and her name is Ninja,” Jack said.

“Ninja?” High King Rhys said. “That’s what High King Tom calls his daughter. She’s forever jumping out of shadows and scaring the hell out of people. Once knocked the head off a statue of her great-grandfather with those nunchuk things.”

“Bugger,” John said.

“Why does the universe hate us?” Ianto asked.

“Well, we are rather good looking,” Jack replied.

“We’re going to have to go rescue the princess from the castle, aren’t we?” John asked.

“Yep,” Ianto replied.

“It’s gonna be ugly and bloody, isn’t it?” Jack asked.

“Yep.”

“Real big, damn hero stuff, right?”

“Yep.”

“Can I have a big gun?”

“Nope.”  
****

They crept silently through Malefunit’s castle. Although, they could have been marching and singing dirty, dirty rugby ditties and probably would have gone without notice; Malefunit and her minions were having a blowout of a party.

“Looks like a nice spread,” John said, looking over the edge of a balcony.

“Is that hypervodka?” Jack asked.

“No,” Ianto said, grabbing Jack by the back of the neck and hauling him down the hallway.

“What do you think? Tower or dungeon?” John asked.

“Which would be easier?” Ianto asked.

“Dungeon,” John and Jack replied in unison.

“Tower it is, then.”  
****

“Took your bloody time,” Princess Toshiko said when they burst heroically into her cell.

“And you, not even out of your shackles yet. Not very ninja,” John tsked.

She stood up and the chains dropped away. “They haven’t built a cell I can’t get out of.”

“Oh, baby, you are _good_ ,” Jack said.

“Right. Daring escape, shall we?” Ianto asked.

“They took my weapons,” Toshiko said.

Jack waved his wand. “There you go. Shiny, shiny sword. Let’s go.”

She took the sword and grinned. “Nice weight. Very…light.”

John snorted as they made their way down the tower stairs and out into the main courtyard.

“Did you really think it would be that easy?” Malefunit asked as she appeared in front of them in the courtyard.

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t that easy. I broke a sweat!” Jack protested.

“You poor, simple fools. Thinking you could defeat me! _Me_ , the mistress of all evil,” she said. She spread her arms and grew in front of their eyes into a huge black dragon with flaming red horns.

Ianto sighed and stepped forward, calling out to her. “Malefunit, when was it you lost your way? You used to be a protector of the people. You used your power for the betterment of—” 

“Really, you’re going to try to reason with her? After all this, you think that’s gonna work?” Toshiko interrupted.

“What would you suggest?” Ianto asked.

Toshiko brought up her sword. “Personally, I kinda want to kill the dragon.”

And then they fought.  
****

“So, let me get this straight. I give him a kiss and, if by some _miracle_ , I’m his true love, and not some buxom milkmaid, then he’ll wake up and I’ll manage to save two kingdoms?” Toshiko asked.

She, Jack, Ianto and John were standing in Prince Owen’s room, staring down at his deeply sleeping form.

“That’s the short of it,” Ianto replied, a bit put out at his plan being narrowed down to a sentence. Again.

“Ah, what the hell?” she said, and leant over to kiss Owen.

The three Fae held their breath as they waited.

After a moment, Owen’s eyes slowly opened and he smiled up at her.

“Ninja,” he said softly, smiling.

“Harp,” she replied, then wrinkled her nose. “That morning breath is _epic_.”

The Fae laughed and stepped out of the room to give them some privacy.

“So,” Jack began as he leaned back against the closed door. “Epic shagging?”

“Epic shagging,” Ianto agreed, taking his consorts’ hands.

They disappeared in a cloud of blue and green, to go to their home, from whence the magical repercussions of the epic shag were felt for days. 

**_The End_ **


End file.
